Those Phrases given by A Dad Which Helped Us when I became a New Dad

"I think I was just trying to survive for a year."

One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of fatherhood.

However the reality soon turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver while also caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. It was a conversation with his father, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct phrases "You aren't in a good spot. You require assistance. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and regain his footing.

His story is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more comfortable discussing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his challenges are symptomatic of a broader inability to communicate between men, who still hold onto negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright with each wave."

"It is not a show of being weak to ask for help. I failed to do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be asking for help" - especially in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to request a respite - spending a couple of days overseas, away from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and make sense of his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, deep-held trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "poor choices" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They might short-term modify how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, confide in a friend, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like you before having a baby. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical health - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their journeys, the challenges, as well as the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their issues, transformed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, at times I think my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning as much as you are in this journey."